How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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