my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
