Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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