The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I want to fling myself into the sun
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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