What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
