just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
