I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
