You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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