Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize