Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
