If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
