My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
