I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
soo... how was my night?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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