I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
