my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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