I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize