Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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