mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
