dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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