Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have tasted many bathrooms
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