I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
