I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
