I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
