we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
