I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
