As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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