i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
