Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
