Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
