Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize