david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
