My friends, they love my intelligence
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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