Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
