When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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