I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
