Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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