apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
