Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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