So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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