i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
