Duck Duck Cougar?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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