yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
