im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
