why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
