My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
