I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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