i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
