I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
