i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize