Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
