Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
