pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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