Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
