wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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